The past few months have been a bit topsy turvy, a bit here and there, a bit unsettled.
There have been highs and lows, lower lows, really low lows, and some pretty fabulous highs. I’ve been wrestling with a lot and my mind has been a whirlwind of chaos at times.
Today in traffic, I was analyzing my mind and heart for the 9,873,184th time and and a light permeated the fog with such intensity, such pervasiveness, such tenacity, I was taken aback.
What the… ?
And the clarity was overwhelming. I relearned things I knew. I was reminded and was revealed to. It was refreshing.
…does not equal happiness. I have always been a pretty consistently happy person and yet lately the happy times can be pinpointed to specific moments, and not overall disposition. Yet JOY remains.
…does not mean everything is fine. Everything is not fine. Depression is trying to worm its way into my life for various reasons – some relational, some physical, some financial, some meteorological. The more I admit it exists close by, the better I am at keeping it somewhat back by turning it over to Christ repeatedly. Yet JOY remains.
…does not mean I have no work to do and can just give up and slack off. I am currently messing up and currently figuring out what I need to do and what I need to pray about and learning what others need from me and what God expects of me and what is way beyond me. It’s a jumbled crappy mess most of the time. Yet JOY remains.
…does mean I know God is in control.
…does mean I know where hope lies.
…does mean I actually HAVE hope. Every minute.
…does mean that I am loved to a degree unfathomable.
…does mean I’m called to a higher standard, a narrower path – one of aches, pains, stretching, vulnerability, sacrifice, valleys, and many mountains too. That’s a big deal.
…does mean that I don’t have to figure it all out or get it all together right now because, surprise, I am not God, I am fallible, I am weak, and yet at the ultimate end of it all, my story has a happy ending because of the One I belong to.
As pressure and stress bear down on me, I find joy in your commands.