Should I capitalize the “W” in the title? I’m so torn…
I have no idea where this post is going. It may go nowhere, but then it may lead to amazing destinations so I’m writing it anyway because I’ve been thinking about it far too long. If nothing else, it’ll set the stage for some deeper posts. Maybe. Possibly. I commit to nothing.
Writing, talking, being vulnerable… it’s tough, we know that. Trying to find an authentic place for yourself, your thoughts, your struggles, is hard enough and then throw in your quirks and fears and it’s a spinning whirlwind. But, here I am anyway.
Almost every word I write has SO MUCH obnoxious thought behind it. I overanalyze like it’s my job, and I flail about because I could just write stuff. But I don’t just write stuff. I write stuff for my own creative and therapeutic release but I also write stuff in hopes of getting to know you, the world, better. It is a balm to the soul to connect and amuse and comfort and be amused and comforted.
But you know what that means?
It means I care what others think. I care? Uh, yeah, I care. Some times more than others but I care which is scary because I don’t even know how much I care about what I think.
So… do I wanna say what I wanna say? Can I handle responses, good or bad? Can I handle no response? Could I choose when to care and when not? Have I bored you already? Do I care if you’re bored? Do you care if you’re bored?
I don’t know.
But there’s a longing, a lonliness, a struggle and I feel that sharing it in a way that works for me (which often goes against what society suggests) would help but I gotta be careful. And not just help me. I know there are loads of people out there struggling and, like me, they can’t/won’t pick up the phone and tell someone because their introverted/awkward self and circumstances rebel. I wanna connect with you fellow weirdos. Here. I feel like God is stirring up my soul to find you. We have a place. God has a place for us in this world, just for who we are. I’m so confident of this! I just think we don’t recognize it because it’s very far off the beaten path. Oh, I havent found it yet, but we can find it. God made us – the quiet, shy, wondering, thoughtful, scared, reserved, observing, longing, hoping, lonely, loved. And He made us to be in community. Shhh… shhh… you know that word scares me too, but it’s gonna look different to us and it’s gonna be okay. Deep breaths.
I know this is a bit cryptic but it’s a beginning. And I know it’s very possible that someone out there has read this and a little eyebrow shot up and the heart quickened just a little because maybe, just maybe, I’m making some sort of vague sense. And if I’m not, move along, no worries.
More to come.
Disclaimer: I reserve the right to decide this was the dumbest post ever and delete it and pretend like it never happened. But in my search for authenticity and connection, I doubt that will happen.